


Life After Death

by CubicBoron, Too_Many_Ships_Not_Enough_Time



Category: Aliens - Fandom, Captain America (Movies), Doctor Who, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Red vs. Blue, Supernatural
Genre: A LOT of violence, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Dorks, Clint and Lucifer are the bachelors, F/F, F/M, Gabriel and Sam Winchester Get Married, Lucifer (Supernatural) is a Little Shit, M/M, No smut because SOMEONE doesn't want smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Powers Disabled AU, Supertargets, This is a weird fic I love it, This will take forever to update and stuff don't get attached, What even are the tags, Zombie AU, major death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-13 18:05:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CubicBoron/pseuds/CubicBoron, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Too_Many_Ships_Not_Enough_Time/pseuds/Too_Many_Ships_Not_Enough_Time
Summary: Imagine all your favourite angels stuck in a SuperTarget for the Zombie Apocalypse





	1. Of Crappy Motels and Zombies

It was Sunday, March 11, 2012, when the chaos began. The day marked the beginning of daylight savings, which definitely would prove important later in life. After a battle of epic proportions over what fruit to put in the pancakes, (in which Gabriel insisted they use blueberries and Lucifer began a torturously long rant about how he wants carrots- “Carrots are not a fruit, brother,” Castiel insisted), Dean left his room, letting out a loud groan. “For fuck’s sake, be quiet. Carrots are not a fruit. Neither are blueberries.”  
“Actually-” Castiel began.  
“No!” Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down, reverting into his comatose pre-coffee state while he waited for the caffeinated drink to take effect. Gabriel frowned at a burnt pancake and flung it toward the trash can. He jumped a little when it caught onto Sam like a facehugger, singing his eyebrows. “Castiel, watch your brothers. I need to go wipe off what’s left of my eyebrows.”  
Dean began laughing at the comment, deflecting the book Sam threw at him in protest with a sluggish hand, jumping when it simply bounced into his leg. Sam huffed, blowing the hair out of his eyes and revealing his half missing eyebrows, causing Dean to fall out of his chair, clutching his stomach at the sight. He stormed out of the room, slamming the bathroom door.  
Just then, Gabriel poked his head out of the kitchen doorway, a light smoke covering the floor. “Hey, Cassie? I think the trash can is on fire. Well, no, uh, the trash can is definitely on fire.”  
Castiel’s eyes widened, automatically searching for a fire extinguisher before remembering that this motel lacked one. Dean sat up on the floor, wiping tears from his eyes. He glanced at the thickening smoke and stood up.  
“Well, that means it’s time for us to leave. Pack your things. We’re heading out in five minutes.” Dean said, adding in a louder voice, “Whether or not all of us have eyebrows!”  
The five men scrambled around the seedy motel, grabbing bags and avoiding the flames currently spouting from the kitchen, careful not to trip on the hole in the carpet.  
As they locked up the room that they had extorted from the owners of the chain, Gabriel noticed something odd, taking a double glance to confirm what he saw. “Luci? Have you - say - raised any dead lately?”  
Lucifer looked around at the absence of living people, ignoring the blaring fire alarm.  
“No, at least, I don’t think so?”  
“Well, we’ve got company.”  
Gabriel hustled the group into the ‘67 mustang that had belonged to Dean’s father. Dean slid into the front seat, sticking the key into the ignition with a dramatic spin and turning to look behind the car, slowly backing out of the spot. Lucifer stuck his thumb down with a loud “Boo, this thing’s made of steel! Who cares if you hit something?”  
“I care.” Dean said lamely, internally wincing at the weak retort. He felt that he could have created a more scathing response, but it was too late now.  
Once Dean pulled out of the rest stop parking lot onto the highway, he accelerated, able to drive quickly with the lack of other cars. Castiel yelped when Dean suddenly slammed the brakes, throwing him into the back of the passenger's seat, but it clearly wasn't done quickly enough – as there was a series of loud thumps and Sam yelled. "What the fuck Dean, you just hit someone!"  
Castiel shifted back in his seat, staring out the window at the desert landscape and its shuffling re-animated corpses. "This wasn't happening yesterday?" His inflection implied more of a confused statement than a question, but Sam nodded anyway. "Definitely not."  
Gabriel turned to Lucifer. "Are you sure you didn't-"  
"Yes!" Lucifer snapped, crossing his arms. "I am very sure that I didn't raise a bunch of dead people sometime in the last day."  
Gabriel scowled at his brother. "Alright, because I swear to Dad if you did..." He trailed off, letting the vague threat hang.  
"Anyway, so, where to go?" Gabriel asked, already ticking off options on his fingers. "We can't exactly go home, the motel is probably beyond saving at this point, a gas station-"  
"A gas station?" Sam interrupted, unbelieving. "No way, a gas station-"  
"Is out of the question, I know. So, that leaves us with TargetTM."  
Dean sputtered, swerving the car. "How do you jump from our home to a TargetTM? How is TargetTM – TargetTM! – the next logical choice? What the fuck Gabriel?"  
"Any better ideas?"  
"Well, no" Dean admitted, suddenly uncertain, "But-"  
"That means we're going to TargetTM." Gabriel cut in, "Cassie, go find the nearest TargetTM, will'ya?"  
Castiel rummaged through his tote bag for his phone, bypassing a handful of energy bars on his quest. He held up his Nokia. “Brother, how do I access the internet on this?” Sam swiped the outdated phone from the angel and threw it out the window, ignoring the scandalized gasp. “Holy shit, why do you still have one of these?”  
“It is effective in its intended purpose. Might I also ask why the time appears differently between my phone and the car?”  
“Daylight savings.” Answered Lucifer shortly.  
“What is the purpose of this Daylight Savings.”  
“Nah.”  
“It is not a yes or no-”  
“Nah.”  
Dean swore as he turned down the suddenly convoluted road. It really didn’t help that he was the only one with a driver’s license and, as such, ultimately had control over where the five went. Luckily, Lucifer noted, he pulled off the exit ramp on what appeared to be the fastest route to his internal destination, speeding past the undead. “Listen here, there’s a SuperTargetTM somewhere near here. We’ll drive ‘till we find it.”  
That statement was met with various noises of confirmation, including Lucifer’s “Costco™ is better!”  
The ride was filled with the voluble Gabriel’s conversations, the majority of them being about how “Luci is totally behind this, no matter what he said, he did this!”, “Fuck you Luci, you thundercunt.”, or “Are we there yet?”  
After the fifth “Are we there yet?” Dean pulled over.  
“Out! Gabriel, I’m done with you. You are walking distance away from the SuperTarget™. I can see it right there. Now get out, and walk.”  
Sam pushed Gabriel out of the car, pulling the door shut as Dean slammed on the gas, leaving the angel far behind in the dust. The next two minutes were filled with silence, a welcome treat after the non-stop babbling from Gabriel. Dean pulled into a handicapped parking space (despite Castiel pointing out the sign and arguing that that was not right) and the rest of the group popped out of the car like a champagne cork. Dean leaned against the car and waited for Gabriel to finish running his depressing one-hundred meter half-jog. Sam was pretty sure he was crying.  
That pretty sure turned into a definitely sure when Gabriel collapsed into Sam’ arms, sobbing hysterically. “I’m so sorry, I’ll never talk in the car again if I never have to do that ever again.”  
Lucifer frowned. “Gabriel, that was three hundred feet. Three hundred feet. What the hell is wrong with you?"  
Gabriel shrugged. “I like candy. And until today, I didn’t have to run. I’d just snap my fingers and boom! I’m where I want to be. But nope, no angelic powers when Luci’s in charge.”  
Dean shuddered. “And aren’t I glad? That teleporting shit makes me dizzy.”  
Sam patted the still-crying Gabriel, shushing him softly, as only a moose can. “Well, let’s move this poor child into the SuperTargetTM.”  
Lucifer led the emotionally charged group of savages into the store, followed closely by Dean, who was carting an observing Castiel, and Sam, who’d gotten Gabriel up on his back because he was refusing to walk, bemoaning his “workout of the century” and how he “hadn’t had to move this much since I had to tell Mary she was preggers.”  
“Brother, if I recall correctly, that is not how the announcement of our half-brother Christ went.”  
“Shut up, Cassie, that’s basically what happened.”  
Lucifer banged on the glass door, now boarded up with cardboard. “That is the saddest barricade I have ever seen since 1832! Let us in! Actual-fucking-Satan out here. I can help barricade this better, and maybe, this time Javrosh won’t die!”  
Castiel looked very disappointed and sad in his brother’s references to the French revolution and the hit Broadway musical Les Miserables.  
A wary looking face poked out from behind the cardboard. “Actual-fucking-Satan, huh? So you’re behind this chaos out here? End it.”  
“No! I’m not, uh, well I am Lucifer. And I am Satan, apparently - that’s so rude by the way, that everyone calls me Satan instead of Lucifer-”  
“You proclaimed yourself as Satan to an absolute stranger you-”  
“But anyway! I didn’t do it. I just want to… help you?” He turned to Castiel, whispering quietly, “Is that the right thing to say?”  
“Fine.”  
The head popped out of sight for a minute, and the cardboard shifted as the door hummed open. The group rushed in, greeted by a new ragtag group of survivors. “Alright. Introductions. I’m Steve, that’s my husband Bucky, our sons Nik and Liam (“Wait, Liam?” Interrupted Gabriel, only to be forcibly held quiet by Dean.), and our daughter Tasha. Over there is John and Jack, then Washington and Tucker, Jenette and Ellen, Kori and Chad, and finally, our very own bachelor, Clint.”  
“Chad? His name is so out of place.”  
“I swear to dad-”  
“-Stop swearing to dad!”  
“I swear to dad!”  
Dean stepped up. “I’m Dean - Shut up Lucifer, stop making fun of names. Chad is a perfectly respectable name -, that’s Lucifer, Castiel, Sam, and Gabriel. Yes, Lucifer is the devil himself. Yes, Gabriel is the same angel who told the virgin Mary she was pregnant. Yes, Castiel is another angel. Not exactly sure where he fits in, actually..”  
Tucker scoffed. “Yeah, sure dude. I so bet that you fuckers’re just a bunch of angels and two dudes. Definitely.”  
“Lavernius, stop being rude.”  
“Sure, Wash. Honestly, you don’t wanna make fun of them?”  
“Sam and I are brothers, and all of the angels are brothers. Don’t test us. So that’s us, and that’s you. Okay?”  
Both groups stood awkwardly. It made Gabriel think of a Mexican standoff in a movie, but only Jenette and Kori were Hispanic, and no one was about to randomly draw guns and shoot each other - hopefully.  
Gabriel interrupted the tense silence. “So, what’s an archangel got to do to get some candy around here?”  
Clint stood, gesturing for Gabriel to follow. However, Gabriel had yet to climb down from Sam’ back. Sam was forced - via Gabriel pulling his hair - to follow Clint. “Gabriel, I am not a fucking horse. Sorry, sorry, I forgot there are children present. Gabr-ow!”  
“Sorry!”  
“Oh come on, my favourite word is dick! We aren’t children. We are at least 15. I think - shit, I always forget! Tasha?”  
Nik looked over at his twin who was examining her nails. “Nik, we’re eighteen. Aww, the nail polish chipped on my favourite finger!” Tasha flipped off Sam. “Look what you did!”  
Sam trudged after Clint, doing this out of ‘the pure good’ in his heart. Jenette leaned on Ellen, who tucked the much shorter woman under her arm in a display of casual defense. “Look, not like I’m adverse to this or anything, but how do we know that you guys won’t kill us?”  
Castiel took a step towards the tense group, hands out and up in a sign of innocence and placating good will. “We intend no harm. We simply require nourishment and shelter.”  
Dean snorted in the background. “Seriously, Cas, ‘nourishment’?”  
“Be quiet Dean,” sighed Lucifer, “You’re going to get us all killed.”  
The Bucky stepped out from behind his children, carrying the toddler. “This is Liam. He wanted to meet you.” Lucifer noted the glint of metal on the brunet, leading up to a prosthetic left arm. Sam cocked his head down.  
“Please, don’t point out his arm,” Steve warned quietly, taking the toddler from his husband. “He doesn’t like it when people point it out. But he’s still the man I fell in love with. Either way, this is Liam.”  
The toddler reached out to Lucifer, who cautiously took the child. Liam smiled a toothy smile, his hands flashing in rapid sign language. Steve smiled. “He’s half deaf, and so’s Clint over there. Only our family - and Clint - know sign language out of any of us here, and Liam just asked if you had any cookies.”  
Lucifer laughed, a true, loud laugh, cuddling the toddler closer to his chest. “I don’t, but I bet I know where to find some!”  
Liam clapped his hands. Lucifer - tailed by Bucky - led the way to his brother, the candy fiend.  
That left Dean and Castiel to face the rest of the group. Finally, someone broke the silence. “So, are y’all gay?” It was Tucker.  
“Maybe.”  
“I mean, most of us here are.” He pointed at Kori and Chad in succession, then to the general direction of where Clint had disappeared. “Except for those three, but it’s kind of debatable anyway with Kori and Chad depending on how Kori’s feeling. Us gays have gotta stick together.”  
“My oldest sister - Caro, remember? - is straight,” started Washington - Tucker and Wash seemed to constantly be in some sort of tiny debate, trying to prove the other wrong via gentle teasing and prodding - and then he stopped and frowned. “Maybe. She’s really got it for Vanessa and Emily.”  
“Yeah, and if South is straight I swear to God I’ll eat my own boots.”  
Gabriel, Sam, Bucky, Lucifer, and Liam returned. Gabriel and Liam seemed deep in conversation, with both of them signing furiously. Sam, still carrying Gabriel, finally set the man down. “For your father’s sake, you’re heavy!” Gabriel looked up at Sam and pouted. “It’s not right to insult a lady’s weight.”  
“Good thing you’re not a lady.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“Actually, yes, I do. If you were a lady, you’d be a bitch of a lady.”  
“I resemble that statement.”  
“Don’t you mean resent?”  
“Resemble.”  
That statement was met with several shouts of ‘gay!’, to which Gabriel responded, loudly, “Yeah! Y’all’re too!”  
“Don’t ever say y’all’re again.”  
“Y’all’d’ve listened to me if I told y’all where to find my off switch,” Gabriel yelled, adding in a mischievous voice, “It’s right next to my prostate. Or is that my on switch?”  
“God,” Nik murmured from the back row. “That man is a complete carbon copy of me, but old. And inflexible. Like me. Pff, inflexible.”  
“Stop being such a child. We just had this conversation.” Tasha glared.  
“I am a child.”  
“We’re eighteen. That’s adult age. I can smoke and get tattoos now. And you’re older than me!”  
“The hell I am. It’s, like, a two minute difference!”  
“Six minutes.”  
“Tomato tomato.”  
“You’re supposed to pronounce them differently.”  
“Toe-mato, toe-mah-to.” Castiel added helpfully.  
“Well I don’t, because one of those pronunciations of tomato is wrong.”  
“Okay then.”  
Steve stepped towards the group again, linking his fingers with his husband. “John and Jack aren’t really in a talking mood, they lost their baby girl to the horde.” His voice was soft, trying not to appear the part of a gossip. “She got bitten, and it was too much for her little system. She was four months old.”  
“Her name was Rose Harkless,” Jack spoke, his voice cracking. “She was the most beautiful girl in the world.”  
John let out a sob, reaching for Jack. Lucifer looked uncomfortable. Dean elbowed him angrily.  
“I’m so sorry,” Sam began.  
“Don’t be,” John stood, leaning heavily on Jack. “She was beautiful, absolutely the apple of my eye, and I’m lucky I got to have my time with her. She’s still alive, somewhere. Probably up with those guys’ dad. I hope so. She didn’t deserve this. No one did.”  
Everyone looked uncomfortable as John and Jack retreated to the shadows.  
“Well then…” Said Dean, trailing off in the awkwardness of the situation. He felt like a heel.  
“Okay, democracy!” Lucifer shouted, breaking the fragile silence. Everyone stared at him. “I want to be president!”  
Everyone was still reeling from the poignant scene with John and Jack, and thus no one protested. Lucifer asked, “Any objections?” Finally, Castiel raised his hand.  
“As new president, please explain Daylight Savings to me as a show of your dedication to this settlement.”  
“Fuck you.”


	2. The One With The Witch

No one questions Lucifer’s declaration of democracy, and went on with their day-to-day life. Not much changed with Lucifer being president, and Castiel still didn’t know what Daylight Savings was. Every once in a while Lucifer would demand a sacrifice in the name of Satan (read: every other day), and the occupants of the building would sigh and roll their eyes. Around two weeks after the angels and others had arrived, a banging erupted from the door. It wasn’t accompanied by the usual moan-thump-moan, so the survivors knew it wasn’t the horde of zombies growing ever closer. Nik grabbed his Mosin and Tasha unsheathed a katana from the carry-case on her back. Ellen and Jennette stood side to side, each leveling a .45 aimed at the door. Steve approached the door carefully, removing the barriers to find a small man in a black suit and a tall woman with bright red hair standing like nothing was going wrong.  
“Pardon my French, but,” Chad began, helping Steve pry open the door to talk to the figures. “Who the fuck are you?”  
The red hair woman smiled, and Chad noticed that she was still wearing makeup that was perfect and untouched. “My dear, I am Rowena, and this is my son Crowley.” She spoke with a thick Scottish accent, offering her hand to Steve. “I believe you have some of our friends?” Her eyes flicked over the crowd, landing on Sam, Dean, Lucifer, Gabriel, and Castiel, who were huddled together.   
Steve turned, glaring at the group. “Y’all’re always bringing us trouble. What have you brought us today?”  
Lucifer smiled angelically. “Well, it’s not Dad.” Gabriel smacked Lucifer. “Of course it isn’t Dad. Don’t you recognize Crowley?”  
Dean approached the two Scotts with caution. “Rowena. Crowley. Are you the people behind this?” Rowena took this as an invitation to walk in, and brushed cooly past Steve. “Nay, we were hoping you would know what happened.” She stretched out a hand and smoothed Chad’s lapel, to which Kori bristled as he jerked back, yelping in panic: “I’m married!”  
Crowley rolled his eyes, following his mother in. “Don’t bother, Mummy dearest will do almost anything in her power to seduce you.” Rowena smiled like a cat, waving her fingers as she moved to the group in the back. “Now you wee lads,” As she waved her fingers, Chad grabbed Kori in a manner similar to a man falling off of a cliff grabs a tree root. “You have caused a lo’ of trouble, did you know that? Have ye not realized that?”   
Dean sighed quite loudly. “Someone else want to explain that we’re not the cause of this this time?”  
Gabriel began to step forward and was pulled back by Sam quite quickly, who pushed Castiel out into the clearing. Castiel stumbled, moved in front of Rowena, cleared his throat, and said: “It’s not their fault.”  
Castiel returned to the group huddle, watching the faces of their audience blur. Crowley rolled his eyes with almost tangible frustration. “Okay, but if you boys aren’t behind this mess, who is? Do you have any idea at all?” The group shook their heads collectively. Chad imitated the accent poorly, and Rowena winced. “Ay laddie, if we’d heard of who had dunnit, ye’d think we’d glass the lass at soonest-” Rowena cut him off with a finger to his lips, making Kori have to be restrained by Jennette and Ellen both as they tried to rescue their husband from the witch. His last word was muffled, trying to yell over her, “-opportune!” While Rowena spoke calmly, “Hush, lad, you’ll only make a fool of yourself.”  
“Alright, alright, Rowena, back off the poor guy. We know it wasn’t Lucifer who raised the dead, and Castiel and Gabriel have promised it wasn’t them. Their powers are turned off, and neither of them can tune into angel radio,” Dean stated calmly, scratching his head with his knife for the drama. “We thought it would’ve been Crowley, but here you are. It’s most likely an angel - sorry Cas - that’s behind this.” Gabriel let out a small noise of complaint, hushed by Sam pressing him into his chest.   
“Getoff me, you moose,” Gabriel playfully shoved Sam away, but continued leaning on him. “It’s probably one of the dickiest angels, like Ezekiel or Zachariah or Gadreel or someone. Dickier than Lucifer, like, a lot dickier. A bigger back of dicks.”  
“Gabriel, please stop saying ‘dick’.”  
“Dick. Dick dick. Dick dick dickey dick. Dick. Rubber dick. Plastic dick. Oh - plasdick! Gummy dick. Strap on dick. Real dick. Big dick. Small dick. Dick sword fighting. Dick cannon. I could go on.”  
“No, you will not.” Crowley sighed, pressing two fingers against his temples at the childish archangel. “Just, shut up, for the love of God.”  
“Dad!”  
Sam picked up Gabriel, who began kicking and screaming, and walked him out of the room. He returned, the screaming silenced and the angel nowhere to be seen. Dean shot him a questioning glance, which Sam dismissed with a shrug. The two turned back to the conversation currently going on.   
“So, we’ve determined that it’s Abyzou. This is a fallen angel, one that is quite terrible. She’s responsible for the deaths of newborns and stillborns. We figure that if she can kill things, she can bring them back to life. Except, since she’s a fallen angel, something probably went wrong.” Castiel rasped, his voice going deeper and hoarser than ever. Dean stood a little straighter, getting an elbow to the rib from Lucifer.   
So time passed. The apocalypse waxed and waned and Sam would say it was like the moon, but it wasn’t. It was horrible and inconsistent and much more rapid than the turning of the moon, but he supposed in some messed up way - it did no good to dwell on it. Especially with his current objective of finding Abyzou, figuring out how she was raising the dead, and how to stop her.   
The news that no one had wanted came unexpectedly on the third week from a frantic Steve and Bucky. “We can’t find Nik and Tasha!”  
The two teens hadn’t been seen since the previous night. It had been assumed that the two were still sleeping, as the twins were, well… no one actually knew why they slept so much, but a search of the rather expansive SuperTargetTM showed that Tasha and Nik were not to be found. Steve, worried beyond rationality, rushed to the door. It took both Sam and Clint to stop him, each holding an arm while Castiel hurried to the bathroom, which had a kicked-out window with a ladder directly outside to allow safe access to the roof with a minimum of zombie engagement. Ellen followed him closely, tossing the archangel a pair of binoculars.  
They found Tasha and Nik curled up in the rafters of the large garage. The twins had gotten lost looking for a new hiding spot to get out of the duties they were assigned, and it had been apparently “A lifetime” since they’d seen other humans. It seemed the world was ending. It had been at least two months since the apocalypse began, and while the group had lost faith in Lucifer, they were thriving, evolving to fit into their new surroundings. Everything seemed to be going well, until one day someone decided to subvert Lucifer’s authority. It was, you guessed it, Gabriel.  
“Ya’know, I love my beloved brother and everything, but he’s a really shitty leader. Do you know who would be better? Dean. His father was in the Navy, and he was raised a leader. I’m not saying I’m crushing on him or anything, I’m completely in it for Sam-”  
“Gabe, please.” Despite his exasperated voice, Sam smiled softly at the admission that Gabriel liked him.  
“I just think he would be a good leader!”   
Dean smacked Gabriel. “Listen up, pipsqueak-”  
“Now that’s a statement I resent.”  
“If you want me to be leader, then I’ll certainly take the spot. I doubt your bro would give it up without a fight though.”  
“Wait, a fight? What’s this about a fight?”  
“Nothing, Satan boy. I’m just talking about…” Dean gasped at the sudden idea. “A duel! I’m talking about a duel!”  
“Honey, no,” Ellen began, already wrapping a protective arm around Jenette, who perked up at the word ‘duel’. “There are children here.”  
The conversation stopped for a moment, remembering that Liam, Tasha, and Nik existed, and were most likely to jump in the fight. “We have to keep them safe. They’re just children. Maybe, instead of being stupid and killing each other, we kill the zombies.”  
Dean and Lucifer looked at each other.  
“Nah, let’s be stupid.”  
“Honestly, I definitely approve of the duel. But I insist we start it with a glove slap, so someone go find a glove.” Nik interjected, grinning like a madman  
“I think this is a stupid idea, but I want to watch Satan get hit in the face with a glove. Continue,” Tasha piped up from leaning against Bucky in the background. He grinned at his two oldest children encouraging a duel between the two leaders, fully knowing this can only end badly.  
Castiel sighed.   
“I’ll find the mythical glove. Someone dig up internet so we can play that stupid glove slap video while the two idiots beat the crap out of each other with gardening gloves.”  
“Actually,” Dean started, and then grimaced when he realized that he sounded like Castiel, but he continued. “The duel is only proposed via glove slap. Then you have a duel.”  
Wash and Tucker disappeared to the clothing section hand-in-hand, complaining about “Fucking idiots who solve their problems through violence” and “You’re an idiot who solves his problem through violence.”  
Then, Lucifer paused in the act of dramatically tearing his shirt into strips to wrap his knuckles. “So, I’m assuming we’re going fists, because TargetTM doesn’t keep weapons and we also really shouldn’t kill each other.”  
“Yeah, killing each other is a whole mess - in multiple ways - that I really don’t want.”  
The two continued their macho contest of wrapping their knuckles and trash talking before Lucifer stopped again, looking up at Dean. “Wait, why are we dueling? For the fun of it?”  
“Nah, I want your place as president. If I win, I get the presidency.”   
“Oh.” Lucifer’s brows furrowed, and his lips pursed. “Yeah, makes sense. Alright, let’s go.”  
Then, despite what Lucifer had just said, they stood there, waiting for Tucker and Wash to reappear with a set of gardening gloves. It was a rather long time, and the audience surrounding the two ‘boxers’ got anxious. Had they wandered out into the hoard? Tucker had been rather grumpy lately, maybe the two just left.   
“Should someone go find them?” Clint said, shuffling to move some blood back into his legs.   
“We’ll go!” Gabriel hopped on Sam’s back and directed him towards the gardening section. “Onward, steed!”  
Sam trudged in that direction, his mouth set in a thin line but his eyes sparkling with laughter. Not even a full minute late, Sam came sprinting out of the gardening section with a whimpering Gabriel on his back. Instantly, the group was on their feet, weapons drawn, eyes tense and hard. “Did they break through? What’s going on?” Tucker asked, holding what looked like a glowing sword.   
“No,” Sam gasped, sliding Gabriel off his back and pulling him around to cradle him. “No, no no no, no.” Gabriel sobbed into Sam’s shirt, grasping feebly at his sleeves.   
“It was worse than that,” Sam’s shaky voice got clearer. “I’ll explain later. Tasha? Nik? How about you take your brother for a candy run? Grab him and Gabe some candy. Please.” Tasha let out a huff as Nik grabbed Liam and swung him up on his hip.   
“You know you’re gonna have to tell us sooner or later.” Tasha glared, marching off towards the candy with Nik following, screaming with finality: “They’re having dirty, kinky sex!”  
“Tasha, you can’t just say that to their poor, innocent, adult ears.” Nik hissed, loudly enough for the others to hear. “Wait, I think that means that we have poor, innocent, adult ears.”  
“No, Nik, we have spoiled, nasty adolescent ears. We know about the dirty kinky things they do. I’ve done some of them.” Tasha sashayed off with Steve and Bucky staring after her, mildly concerned and completely pissed off.   
“When-” Steve gaped.  
“How-” Bucky glared.  
“She’s eighteen, dads!” Yelled Nik from very far away. “We’re both eighteen. I mean, I haven’t but - we’re adults!”  
“At least tell me who!” Steve said, ever the protective father, whilst cracking his knuckles. Bucky slid an arm around Steve’s waist, firmly holding him in place. “Our baby girl’s all grown up,” Steve wiped tears from his eyes and leaned against Bucky. “All grown up.”  
“Funny, that’s what Timothy called me when we fucked.” Tasha screamed from far away. How she heard this no one knew, but there were loud gasps from the more innocent people and parents - Castiel, Steve, Bucky, and Ellen - and giggles from the dirtier people - Lucifer, Gabriel, and even Dean let out a little chuckle - as the reverberation from the yell finally faded.   
After at least four lifetimes, Tucker and Wash returned from the gardening section with hair ruffled and a light blush covering Wash’s cheeks. “Here’s the gloves, sorry we’re late. We got distracted.” Tucker shoved the gloves out, and the group retreated. “Oh, you heard.”  
Firmly but loosely grasping the wrist of the gloves, because no one wanted to touch the dirty kinky sex gloves, Dean and Lucifer each slapped the other across the face with the gloves, and then threw them aside and sprang apart, taking defensive stances. Pandemonium ensued as the two circled each other, each making smart remarks about each other’s mothers - or lack thereof.  
“Your mom doesn’t exist!”  
“Your mom’s already dead, which is probably worse than not existing!”  
“You take that back!”  
“You started it!”  
Finally, Dean snapped and threw a firm punch aimed at Lucifer’s jaw. Lucifer ducked and jabbed at Dean’s ribs, which he dodged. “Look, the rules of this fight are: no groin shots, no nose blows, and once someone’s on the floor, they have five seconds to get back up or else they’re done!” Castiel didn’t quite scream, anxious to keep both his brother and his ‘friend’ safe.  
The fight continued despite several screams, and Liam signing “All done” many, many times; he was swiping his palms against themselves in nervousness. He did not find it as amusing as his older siblings likely would have had they been there. Gabriel buried his face in Sam’s chest, whispering, “This was a terrible suggestion.”  
Finally, after about three minutes, both Lucifer and Dean punched each other in the throat, hitting each other’s Adam’s Apples. Both collapsed on the floor, wheezing and gasping for air.  
“One…” Castiel’s voice rang out. “Two… Three…” Time seemed to slow as all eyes fell on the two men struggling to stand up. “Four…” Lucifer and Dean fell back on their backs. “Five!”   
Sam looked at the mess on the floor, wondering who their leader would be. “Well, who will be our president now?”  
No one spoke, and the shared silence between the survivors was almost palpable. Then, grinning, Liam pointed at Castiel. “Cassie!”  
“If it is agreeable with everyone, I’ll accept Liam’s endorsement and be your president.” Castiel coughed lightly, and offered Dean a hand up, grasping his wrist tightly but gently, pulling his friend up with impressive ease.  
Dean, half-dazed and more than halfway passed out, threw his arms around Castiel. “You’re my best friend,” he slurred, leaning heavily on Castiel. “My dude. My very best friend. In fact, if I was gay, it’d be for you. I’m gonna be gay for you. I’m gay for you. Watch out.” Dean pressed a kiss to Cas’ lips before fully passing out in Castiel’s arms, dizzy from oxygen loss due to the blow to his throat.  
Sam laughed in the background. “Wow, who would’ve guessed that all it’d take for the emotionally constipated idiot to talk about his feelings is a duel with Satan himself?”  
Gabriel raised his hand. “I did!”  
“Shut up, Gabe. Or I’ll call you your super-secret nickname.”  
“No, not Gabey-wabey!”  
“You just played yourself,” said Ellen, as if it were very disappointing and not the sort of blackmail she wanted, although Jenette could easily see through the sarcasm.  
Steve linked hands with other Bucky, who popped Liam up on his shoulders. Liam clapped happily, chanting as well as he could, “Gabey-Wabey! Gabey-Wabey! Gabey-Wabey!”  
Gabriel whimpered, clapping his hands over his ears. “Now I’ll never hear the end of it!”  
Liam giggled, signing ‘all done’ again. Clint dropped down from the rafters - to many yelps of surprise - and swooped Liam up. He settled the toddler on his shoulders and then ran away, Liam shrieking in delight as he yelled “Nyoom nyoom!” and ran a toy car over Clint’s face.


End file.
